gratitude

The link between a healthy relationship with my husband and my relationship with my Creator are unmistakably intertwined.

Recently, a friend linked this article to her Facebook profile, encouraged married folk to give it a good read. So read I did. And I have to admit, it was a little annoying. Comments like,

If you expect your spouse to help with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your spouse does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your spouse does help with the housework.

I get it, you're supposed to rely on God and not on your husband. But there are very physical things I want from him that, if he doesn't perform, leave me wanting. Things like taking out the trash and voluntarily helping with the boys.

It begs the question: if this article is accurate, who is inadequate me or him? Me or Him? Me?! The artcile wins validation later on. Statements like,

We’re all a little lonely, we all feel some sense of inadequacy, some fear of failure – in other words, we all feel some emptiness.This is a natural state of being, and in my Christian worldview, designed by God to draw us to Him.

That, my friends, is a true statement. There are a lot of things that are designed to draw us to Him. Unfortunately, there are things that seem to sit so much closer in the forefront of my mind: I run circles around my husband in regard to house work. Other people notice it and they tell me about it all the time. "All the time" being often enough to get under my skin. Answer me this, ye people: "Is it your business if I do so?" Why do I let those kinds of things bother me? Others don't necessarily see how brave or noble or tactful or simple my husband is. They see me work (And I love to work. Love it. Thrive on it.), and for those who don't prize our relationship, they don't see how much I value him and he values me. Why do I let them bother me?

I have been coming to this no expectations concept in regard to relationships. I have very complicated family history that is chocked full of drama. The fewer expectations I have, the easier is to forgive, forget, build on the good times and cherish my family. Mind you, there are still people I don't trust with 10-foot pole, but my heart is never broken even when I do come in contact with them...because I have no expectations.

Granted, my relationship with my husband is a bit more complex than that. Afterall, I do live with him. And I can get so frustrated. I can also forget all the good he does. This comment makes it very easy:

The more successfully we can lower our expectations of others, the more time we have to develop our personal sense of responsibility – and the more effort we put into living up to our personal responsibilities, the more we experience responsibility as joy and fulfillment.

You know who had no expectations and who made others his responsibility? My grandfather. That man did for others. Sometimes people walked all over him. And grandma ran circles around him, especially when he got old and grumpy. He never lost sight of how much he loved the people who got to be a part of his world. He graced me with his goodness when I was 13 and was good to my family until the day he died.

Responsibility as joy and fulfillment. God has to see it this way. How could He possibly put up with us if He didn't view us as His responsibility? ...with no expectations. That's how He can be proud of us, how He can correct us, and how we can be guaranteed a place in His plan. That is awesome. It's even more awesome that I get to experience that type of joy and fulfillment in my marriage.

Mark and I had time to discuss this concept after he read through the post and had some time to think through it. There are some addendums we really think are critical to this kind of subject matter.

First of all, communication is key. If I am annoyed with Mark because he isn't being attentive enough to my needs (i.e. expectations), it's much healthier if I communicate with him about how we can get better about it. Sometimes resolving my annoyance means developing a "no expectations" stance on the matter. Other times it may mean that he needs to try harder, do better, whatever. I tend to get re-annoyed when he commits to doing better but makes the same kind of error again and again.

Another HUGE thing is that "acts of service" is my love language. It is critical to my happiness that Mark does things for me. Knowing what makes you happy and brings you peace and joy will dramatically change the way you implement the principles of the article.

Having said those things, I married Mark because he promised to be the best man he could be for me. I would be lying if I didn't have expectations. He would not be good for me if he didn't have expectations of himself. Sometimes we fail to satisfy each other, and that is when we kick back and remember our relationship to each other was designed by God to make us winners. We are determined to weather storms, to stay humble, to lower our expectations, all in order to love each other more and hold on more tightly to our responsibility to each other.