Well, I am still annoyed with that article. I tried really hard to agree with it. I really did. I mean, I blogged about it. I blogged, but it still bugged me, so I shared with Mark. I woke up the day after I shared it with Hubs, and it STILL bugged me. I mean, dude, how am I supposed to *not* have expectations of my HUSBAND? Gah. ...especially when he is saying to me, "Um, I want you to have expectations of me." I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but if what we got ain't broke, why fix it?
Now, I will say this: the quotes that I initially highlighted and the thoughts I expressed are still very true; sometimes is a lot easier to know that there is a time to have low/no expectations than it is to risk heartbreak. And I think it is a huge sign of maturity that you are able to bear more and more responsibility, and that responsibility brings joy and peace.
HOWEVER... Is God not disappointed when we fail? I am pretty sure that is what the whole "blessings and cursings" is all about (see Deut 30).
If you read 1 Thes 4, you totally get that there was some pretty sketchy stuff going on in Thessalonica. Sexual immorality? Blatant enough for the pastor to address it in a letter? But the chapter is very millenial in context. It's corrective (like somebody, i.e. God and Paul both, had expectations) but hopeful, uplifting and full of promise.
So as Mark and I discussed it more and more we came to the conclusion that it's NOT about not having expectations with your spouse. I need him to be attentive to my needs, standards, expectations. We are a machine, I am one kind of gear, he is another. Without each other, we don't run. Period. Answer me this: how are you not supposed to have expectations if you trust someone? Is not the foundation of trust full of expectation?
Along the he's-one-kind-of-gear-I'm-another train of thought, someone recently shared with me the idea that relationships are not 50%-50%. Nor are they 100%-100%. But when he is having a bad day, I better be ready to make up the difference, and vice versa. We are a team, one in the same, cut from the same cloth. If we can learn to respond to each other more readily, we'll run better.
I am pretty sure the concept that many women in modern mainstream Christianity are tired was addressed in Captivating. It's true: I only have so many stores for more and more "responsibility." The thought that maintaining my marriage hinges on doing more makes me sick. And tired.
Then there is the ever-true, ever-present principle that Mr. Armstrong preached -- live the way of give, not the way of get. If your spouse needs you, give. And if they need more, give more. No, you are not a bottomless pit, but the opportunity for them to return the favor will come. How it manifests itself in your marriage is specific to you. I tend to want to sleep in. So does Mark, but when he gets up with the boys, I love him more. It's true! And when he needs a favor in the middle of the day, I am more eager to give back.
I am still mulling over things. Excuse me while I deliberate some more. I will end with one of my favorite verses from one of my favorite authors: 2Peter 3:9 -- The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, a some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any of us should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
I suspect the crux of your disagreement with the article is your definition of "expectations." You're using "expectations" interchangeably with "needs," but the two aren't synonymous.
ReplyDeleteHere's a real-life, non-marriage example: Aaron and I both walked at 9 months of age, so I came to EXPECT that Bronson would walk at 9 months. Clearly I did not NEED Bronson to walk at a certain age. Nine months came and passed, and he had not taken a solo step yet. Unfortunately, I was disappointed and wondered if he would ever walk. He did, two months later, which was still ahead of the "average" age.
It was not fair of me to put this expectation on Bronson. He is going to develop at his own pace and I am only going to hurt myself and him if I allow myself to set expectations of when these developments "should" happen. If I had not set any expectations for when he would walk, I would have saved myself the disappointment, but more importantly, I would have been more focused on what he WAS doing at nine months, and I probably would have experienced more joy when he did "finally" walk.
If you read enough articles on simplemarriage.com, you will find that the author(s) support the actual needs of each spouse in a marriage. The articles typically draw focus to inward examination, though: am I fulfilling my husband's needs? Because in the end, that is way more important than whether or not my husband is fulfilling my needs. If I'm worried about what my husband is doing for me-- be it fulfilling my needs or living up to my expectations-- then I am not going to have much time or energy left to work on fulfilling HIS needs.
Finally, the topic of communicating needs is of course totally valid and he addresses it in other articles in the archives. I think he would also agree that some needs to spill over into expectations (such as I expect my husband to be faithful), but those type of expectations are not what he was addressing in this article.
This article really did NOT resonate with me. The idea of lowering your expectations makes me cringe. I have had to become okay with some of my more trivial expectations (what we're going to do this weekend, people we're going to see, etc.) not being fulfilled in every explicit detail. But that doesn't mean I lower my expectations of my husband and how he will contribute to our relationship. Lowering expectations is a race to the bottom.
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